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Finding Your Self In Motherhood

motherhood

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There is absolutely no doubt that motherhood changes everything in your life – your freedom, your body, your mind, your style, your time and your career. Motherhood impacts pretty much every part of who you were and changes the way you live your life.

There is an overwhelming amount of pressure you feel to be the perfect mother combined with sleep deprivation, a never ending list of things to do to care for your baby and family that somewhere along the way we (or most of us) forget about ourselves or simply just don’t prioritise ourselves and before we know it we realise we no longer have a sense of self identity outside of being “Mum”.

I do believe that “losing” yourself a little is a part of the process in becoming a mother and it allows you to put yourself back together in a new way, one that you can decide on. You may be feeling lost right now but instead of thinking of it as a negative try to turn it around and decide that you have been given this beautiful opportunity to decide on any path you want to take to become who ever and what ever you want to be. As you put yourself “back together” you have the power to keep the parts you love and move on from the parts that weren’t serving you and replace them with things to help you grow into the person you want to be.

SOME TIPS FOR SELF DISCOVERY:

STOP THE COMPARISON TRAP

Whether you are comparing yourself to who you used to be or comparing yourself to other mums who you think “have it all together” you MUST stop that behaviour of comparison. Who you were and who you are now are not worth comparing. Look at this moment and practice gratitude for all that you have now. Also, you need to constantly reminding yourself that your life and the life of the next person are totally different. We all have our own struggles they are just presented in different ways and at different times PLUS some people are just very good at hiding them.

“COMPARISON IS THE THEIF OF JOY”

SET GOALS

Sit down and remind yourself of the things that make YOU happy. I know I said don’t compare yourself to your former self but in this case look back on the things that made you happy pre kids. Write them down. Whether it’s getting up to watch the sunrise, reading a book, joining a team sport, getting a massage, exercise or joining a dance class set yourself some small goals that are achievable.

From there, set yourself some bigger goals or create a vision board of how you would love your days/life/career to look, the job you would love, study you have always wanted to do or a business idea that you would love to achieve and use that as inspiration for bigger goals along the way.

SCHEDULE SOME ALONE TIME

Schedule in your diary, planner some time even if its just once a week where you have complete alone time. Use that time to do something you enjoy just for you. My own alone time includes daily exercise & meditation and some time to see my friends each week or so is important to me too.

COMMUNICATE

I think we often forget to tell our partners how we are feeling openly and honestly. Having an open dialogue with your partner allows you to let them know when you need some alone time and so they know that this is something you want to work on. Unless you tell them they will not know how you’re feeling or that you really want to prioritise yourself so that you can be a better, more connected mother, wife, partner.

DO SOMETHING YOU ENJOY

Finding an outlet for yourself outside the daily grind of motherhood or even your job can give such a sense of self accomplishment. For myself I started writing blogs. When I started I never dreamt or even thought it could become what it has today but it gave me a real sense of purpose when I felt completely lost in those early days as a new mum. I started writing about fitness for mums and pregnancy as I felt like I had a lot to offer and to educate others in that was really rewarding. At first my blogs maybe only got read by a handful of people but I still enjoyed it so much and as it grew it became so therapeutic ands so rewarding that I found myself opening up more and more about my personal life and struggles. In doing this I realised I was able to connect, help and inspire other women to feel less alone, educate them on fitness (which was my career pre babies) and open up conversations around mental health. Over the years it became my job and my passion for helping women has never been stronger from fitness, mental health, motherhood and everything in between my little outlet of writing has been life changing personally, professionally and now even financially as it has become my business. Im not saying everyone should want to be a blogger but it is possible to turn your hobby or passion into your career or at least into something that gives you purpose and a sense of self accomplishment. Maybe your flair for fashion, your love of interiors or your artistic skills can help you find that too.

ACCEPT THAT IT WONT BE PERFECT – EMBRACE THE CHAOS

Every single day I struggle with the juggle of being me and being Mum. I definitely don’t always get it right and more than often I get into bed at night and just thank the lord we all made it through the day. Before we are mums we are so in control of every aspect of our lives but as soon as these little people come along that control is taken from us and we struggle and fight to get it back. Since Remi was born Ive really tried my hardest to lower the expectations and allow myself to not have to have full control over everything 24/7. It can be hard to do but once you accept everything isn’t going to go to plan everyday and just go with the flow a bit more you really can enjoy your kids and motherhood more. I know its easier said than done and I still struggle to do so sometime but we are all a work in progress right?

ASK FOR HELP OR OUTSOURCE HELP

Repeat after me “YOU NOT HAVE TO DO IT ALL”! Ask for help whether that’s from your parents, sisters, partner, friends, who ever! You are allowed to ask for help with the kids so you can pursue your passions or take some time for you. If you need to or simply want to its also ok to hire a babysitter, nanny or send them for an extra daycare day if budget allows so you can follow your dreams – study, go back to work, get a new job or simply so you have some space to breath. You do not have to do all alone.

MAKE SOME TIME FOR RELATIONSHIPS

This is something we often forget to do as mothers. We are so busy looking after the house and kids that we forget to nature our relationships with our partners or our friends. Something Ive been so aware of since having Remi is making sure I still connect with friends. Call them, go for a coffee, out for dinner or simply just sending a text to check in. Our friendships are a huge part of who we are and deserve some attention too. The other thing is that its ok to let go of toxic friendships or ones that no longer serve you. Becoming a parent means less time for friendships so why waste time trying to nature or hold on to ones that just aren’t good for us. There doesn’t need to any conflict just simply let it fade out or walk away politely.

Making time for your relationship with your partner is also very important in reconnecting with yourself. The first year after a baby is a complete haze and can feel like ground hog day but scheduling in some time to spend on your relationship is very important. Before there were kids there was just you two and that relationship deserves your love and attention and will also remind of who you are and why you fell in love.

LOOK AFTER YOURSELF

We are often so busy looking after everyone else that we forget to look after ourselves. Self care is HUGE when it comes to self respect and identity.

Stop putting off those doctors appointments, book yourself in for that massage for yours sore neck from breastfeeding, see a naturopath who can help with depletion post baby, see a womens health physio for your pelvic floor care and make the time to look after yourself.

Eating a well balanced diet, moving your body and drinking enough water each day are all simple things we can do yet often forget to or don’t prioritise as mums especially new mums with babies.

Another one I always get asked about is finding your “style” as a mum. Are you holding on to clothing that makes you feel uncomfortable or worse about yourself? Can you on sell it? Donate it? Buy yourself a few new items (they don’t need to be expensive) that you feel comfortable in? This honestly can help you feel so much more confident in yourself and feel more like you again. If wearing your active wear everyday makes you feel good – do that, I do, I love my active wear! But I know that’s not the case for everyone and if its making you feel less like yourself try getting dressed in the morning instead of wearing your active wear all day.

YOU ARE IMPORTANT AS THOSE YOU CARE FOR!!

BE KIND AND GENTLE ON YOURSELF

Simply just be kind to yourself. Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend who was struggling to find themselves again. Its a process, a journey and one I don’t believe every ends as we ride the rollercoaster of motherhood.

40 IDEAS OF HOW TO FIND YOU AGAIN, HOBBIES OR THINGS YOU CAN JUST FOR YOU:

(Some of these are mine and some of these have come from my instagram community:

  1. Morning routine to set the day up properly before the kids wake.

    (Hot water, journal, meditate are my 3 must do’s)

  2. EXERCISE- gym, F45, crossfit or anything else that makes you feel good.

  3. Pilates

  4. Yoga

  5. Meditation

  6. Running

  7. Walking

  8. Going back to work or getting a part time job

  9. Studying

  10. Creating a vision board

  11. Working on a business plan for a business I always wanted to start

  12. Reading

  13. Podcasts

  14. Interior design

  15. Photography

  16. Cooking and baking

  17. Home organisation

  18. Sewing

  19. Writing, blogging, journalling

  20. Planning the day so I feel in control

  21. Join a team sport – netball, hockey, soccer, football.

  22. Join a dance class

  23. Catching up with friends for coffee, dinner, drinks

  24. Going for a night out with friends – dancing and laughing

  25. Therapy with a psychologist

  26. New skin care routine

  27. Taking time in the morning to do hair and makeup and get dressed

  28. Buy some new clothes to suit my new body

  29. Utilising daycare and babysitters

  30. Connecting with other mums, finding new mum friends with similar interests

  31. Church

  32. Arts or Crafts

  33. Hiking, surfing, mountain biking

  34. Visiting a day spa every few months

  35. Gardening

  36. DIY home renovations and projects’

  37. Social media connection – tik tok, instagram and facebook

  38. Self care – face mask, hair mask, bath, take time to look after myself

  39. Date night with husband/partner

  40. Schedule cleaning and daily tasks so I feel like I have more freedom

I hope this blog has helped give you some inspiration and some tips on how you can start to “find yourself again. Motherhood is by far the most rewarding and most beautiful thing you can ever do but it is also the hardest too. You will lose yourself and find yourself one million times over and that’s okay its all a a part of the process. Be kind and gentle with yourself, you’re doing the best you can. Also please drop the guilt over taking time for YOU. You are worthy of the love and time you give to others too.

May 13, 2020

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  1. Hannah says:

    Absolutely loved reading this!
    So relatable
    And I love the idea of having a daily ritual before the kids wake up to start your day on the right foot
    I just wish my kids didn’t wake up at 5 🤯

    Keep up the good work
    You have so many followers that just love watching your videos and reading your blogs

    Hannah xx

  2. Tiffany says:

    Thank you so much, really needed this right now! Love your blogs! Relate so much to them!
    Now time to get myself organised and take care of me!

    Tiff xx

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