The below is a letter to my daughter of our journey so far. Today I needed reminding of just how far I and we have come on this journey together. 

Dear Milena, 

I felt it before I knew it. I was so sick, scared and unwell but I knew you were there.

It was 9 months of hell – tears, hospitals, panic, fear and sadness most of which I did my best to hide because I was embarrassed that I didn’t feel the “joy” I was meant to feel, I wasn’t “connecting” the way they said I should . I wanted it to be beautiful like I heard it could be but I couldn’t find any beauty in pregnancy through the sickness and tears. I wanted to connect with you but I was scared I could loose you. I wanted to love you and I wanted you to love me but I wasn’t sure I was worthy of you – I wasn’t sure I deserved to be a mother. I didn’t think I could show you how to love yourself or be a strong woman. I didn’t think I could be the one to guide you through life.

And then I held you and my life began. In that moment I realised inside of this broken girl really was that woman I always wanted to be and you gave me the strength to show the world. You bring out a side of me I never knew existed – strong, confident and powerful. The love I felt from that first moment was fierce and unwavering. When I saw your beautiful face I knew I needed to change and learn to love myself so that I could teach you to love yourself too. I made a promise to myself that even though I want you to know just how beautiful you are I would do everything in my power to ensure you grow up knowing your worth is not defined by your physical appearance. That’s why we sit in the mirror and talk about how beautiful our bodies are but also why we talk about all our other qualities that have nothing to do with the way you look because to me (and to the world) you are so much more than just your pretty face.  

I fed you and I nurtured you from my body for as long as I could but your fiercely independent side was shown from a very young age and you chose when that journey would stop. Even though it didn’t last very long I am glad we tried our hardest but I am also glad you know what you want. 

As you grew that independent, free spirited nature would show more and more yet you were and still are a Mummy’s girl – you cling on to me tight and don’t want me to leave the room. As much as I act like I don’t like it at times it actually makes me incredibly happy inside to know just how much you love me and just how much I make you feel safe. And just so you know you make me feel just as safe too. You are my rock and my best friend.

Oh my little girl you are a whirlwind. From the moment you wake up you do not stop. I struggle at times to keep up with you and you test my patience to no end. Sometimes I feel like I am failing you because I just cant seem to keep up with you. You are an adventurer, a climber and you are the most strong willed person I have ever met. Although you can be hard work you are so very smart and strong and I just know you are going to do great things because nothing can stand in your way. All these testing days are just you exploring and learning and even though at times I get cranky I do know that you are just a little girl who is growing in a big world that you are yet to understand. 

As you grow, I grow to. As you learn, I learn too. As you become a child, I become a mother. All the little pieces I was missing I have been finding along the way in you and now I know why the universe chose me to be your Mum. 

I may not always get it right but I promise you I always try my best. 

I love you more than to the moon and back. I love you more than all the stars in all the skies and more than all the days and all the nights my baby. 

Love,

Your Mummy xx 

“Yes I gave you life… but really you gave me mine.” – unknown